Discovering my authentic self at 44, my ADHD journey
Last week was mental health awareness week, and it comes at a moment when I feel ready to share. Six weeks ago I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD. There’s been an explosion of this term and even documentaries around this subject but I want to share what Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder feels like to me because the more we share the greater the understanding for both neurodivergent people but also the neurotypical world around us.
It all started last October when I happened to read a post on insta from my friend bravely sharing her new ADHD diagnosis and what that meant to her. In her comment she mentioned birthday cards and how if you’d ever received one from her you should feel privileged because she always forgets. This could have been me writing it. I desperately want to be that friend who always remembers birthdays or important family occasions and is organised enough to buy and post the card ahead of time but instead I buy the card and then find it weeks later in my handbag or under a pile of papers on my desk so pop it in the drawer with all the dozens of other cards which I’ve forgotten to send.
What developed over the next few months I can only describe as my brain taking me by the hand and leading me all the way through the process until I was finally diagnosed. Now with more clarity I realise that I’d not been feeling well for a while. The pinnacle of this to me was last Christmas and most significantly our Christmas tree. I love Christmas and we’ve kids but somehow we got to December 25th and our tree just stood there naked. Finally someone threw some tinsel on in pity. We were hosting Christmas elsewhere so we debated not having a tree but I insisted. I’m a perfectionist so I wanted to do it my way but I’d always forget and then be reminded at the end of the day when I’d walk into the living room ready to flop on the sofa and there it was standing sad and lonely. I was totally frazzled. Juggling family life. My mind was scattered and racing. Couldn’t keep up. Wasn’t enjoying the thing which I used to enjoy the most. I just thought that’s how life is going to be now. Just going to keep going and try not to crumble under the pressure.
Then two momentous things happened. My husband and I booked the trip of a lifetime. A ten-week adventure exploring with our 3-year-old leaving on Jan 16th. It took me until around the third week of being surrounded by the epic nature of Baja California to come down from that heightened level of anxiety that I’d got used to living at. What a relief. To live everyday in the present, stripping back our worries to just our daily needs was invigorating. I had time to pick my camera back up again and photograph. I think it’s so important as an artist, whether creating jewellery, crafts or other mediums that you excerise all your artistic sides to keep those creative juices flowing.
With distance I was able to research my niggling feeling that had been ignited and find out more about ADHD. I was still of the old school mindset that it was just fidgety boys who raced around that had ADHD and not 44-year-old woman like me. Until recently that was the professional understanding too. It wasn’t until Autumn 2008 that the National Institute of Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) recognised Adult ADHD then the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) was updated to more accurately characterise the experience of affected adults and people began being diagnosed.
As I read the heavy stuff, filled in every online questionnaire I could find I also lapped up the memes and videos on socials (don’t worry I didn’t spend my whole trip on a screen) I started to grasp how ADHD can present in adults and the nuances of ADHD in women. Wow – it’s really strange to suddenly realise how much of your character and self is actually driven by the way your brain works. Some traits which I thought were just me being rubbish (that’s my negative inner dialogue right there) included…
Always being late (once I was even an hour late to meet a friend for lunch, sorry C). What I now understand as time blindness. Have trouble estimating how long something will take, “I’ll be finished in an hour” which then develops into 6 hours later. Or “It’ll only take me 5 minutes to get ready”…that never happens
Only being able to finish work when I’m right up against a deadline. In secondary school I would pull an all-nighter just to hand in coursework the next morning. I just always thought I’d grow out of this one but still do it now working till the early hours in the workshop to meet an order because I’ve left it right to the last minute
I’m unbelievably messy yet organised - its a strange combination.
Procrastinating like you wouldn’t believe
“Susi tea” - I forget I’m making tea half way through when I’ve wondered off to do something else. My husband will discover it over-stewed and lukewarm 20 mins later
Inability to focus for long periods – An admin day can often look like:- starting an email then after I’ve written the opening section I remember a different task I need to do, so open another email and start that one, then remember a different task I need to do, so open another email…. I get to the end of the day and my desktop has 8 unfinished emails that I’m too fried to finish so they all just end up in my drafts. I currently have 27 in there.
But then strangely the ability to hyper focus often forgetting what time it is and to refuel – handy though when you’re up against a deadline!
If I’m searching on the internet for something, then something else pops into my mind so I open another tab until I end up with 18 tabs open
Or searching in my brain for something, then remembering something else so open another tab in my brain until I have 18 tabs open and wonder why I’ve been staring at the wall for half an hour. Sometimes my brain is whirring so much it starts to overheat and I can feel the little fan come on
Finishing peoples sentences or jumping in before someone has finished talking – I’ve always hated this because it must be so annoying for other people
This enlightening journey I shared with my husband by my side. Spending every waking moment for 10 weeks together we discovered a closeness that I didn’t know was possible and I think that really helped me to feel safe to delve deeper. As we were nearing the end of our travels and I was sharing over supper another thing I’d read that I recognised in me he turned to me and said, “I believe you. I think you do have ADHD”. I’ll never forget that moment. Tears and relief that I wasn’t going crazy. I can do this. We can face this together.
One of the problems which was highlighted recently by a rather skewed BBC Panorama programme (15th May 2023) was the lengthy waiting time on the NHS for an assessment. With the increased knowledge about adult ADHD especially how it presents in women, more people than ever are seeking out assessment and treatment. I couldn’t wait for 5 years. I felt as if my mind was spiralling and it was all I could think about brought on by one of the traits of ADHD, hyper focus, and the energy that it takes is exhausting. Instead I made the choice to seek private assessment and booked an appointment with The ADHD Centre for a face-to-face appointment with their psychiatrist.
The process was lengthy, but I had Chris by my side. I’ve never felt more vulnerable than in that moment sharing the contents of your mind and how it’s affecting your life. We delved back through my past which includes periods of depression and moments where my mind was moving so fast I couldn’t keep up with the thoughts. We even dug out my school reports showing it was there all along, my teachers in primary school noting that when I lost focus my work was extremely messy and I was handing work in late. I’d used masking skills to cope in a neurotypical world as other ADHDers do and I’d developed Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which manifests itself through years of living undiagnosed. This combined with emotional dysregulation make for a heady mix and greatly impact my daily life.
I thought I’d feel instant relief but as he talked through his findings my head just swam and the world perceptively shifted. I had to get him to repeat what he was saying, that yes, I did have 7 out of 9 symptoms and because they were having a detrimental affect on two areas of my life he was diagnosing me with ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive Presentation.
It’s not all doom and gloom as my psychiatrist explained that’s why my creative brain works as it does and I’ll be forever thankful for that. When I’ve the initial idea for a design I can create it as if in CAD but in my mind. I can rotate it, zoom in, change colours. It’s fun and I’m often daydreaming designs or in that lucid moment right before you go to sleep.
The next couple of weeks I was in a bit of a daze trying to get my head around everything I learnt. Since I’ve had past trouble with hypertension taking medication wasn’t an option but instead I’m approaching treatment in a more holistic approach with mindfulness, specialised coaching and excerise. I bought a stack of books and began my new outlook on life. There are so many things entwined together that this process of unmasking is gradual but one of the first steps I’ve taken is to be nicer to myself. Whether that’s my inner dialogue chastising myself for “being rubbish” and not finishing the thing I needed to complete or even the way I talk about myself to others which I’d not even noticed before. I’ve then begun to make changes to the way I work. Rather than long lengthy stints, I change task purposely more often so I don’t flit around so much and it’s really helped. In fact just being aware has helped enormously.
My mind has now taken on the long process of unpicking the past and rewriting how I feel about certain scenarios. I’ll have a memory bubble up, revaluate those feelings with new understanding and then the bubble bursts and I guess the memory gets refiled in a different box.
And I’ve now started sharing. Even before my diagnosis I’ve described trade shows and fairs where I have all the jewellery I’ve meticulously created presented to view as lifting off the lid of my head and letting everyone peer inside. Now I understand quite how accurate that is. I wouldn’t change a thing but do wish I’d known sooner. Feels good to get it out into the world, embrace my neurodivergence and stand proud in my authentic self.
If any of this rings true with you, here are some books which have really helped me…
Dirty Laundry: Why adults with ADHD are so ashamed and what we can do to help - Richard Pink & Roxanne Emery
A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD: Embrace Neurodiversity, Live Boldy and Break through Barriers - Sari Solden, MS and Michelle Frank, PsvD
Scattered Minds, The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder - Gabor Mate
There’s a whole community of support online too especially…
ADDitude Mag and their amazing podcasts